Past Hurts…Future Hurts

In living 22 years of my life, I realized at some point that I tend to hold grudges against people. And this excludes no one. My family. My friends. Anyone… Everyone! It just depends on how deep the wound is before I could learn to let it go.

When I was a kid, I held a grudge against my parents. (See “The Second Child Syndrome” post.) As I was growing up, I thought I got over it already. I don’t hate them. They’ve done so much for me and I can’t repay them with hatred. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t remove the pain they caused me.

Yesterday morning, my sister and I had fight. Don’t bother asking why. It’s a petty and stupid reason. Just like my sister—petty and stupid! Okay, I might regret saying that next time, but what the hell?! I just couldn’t stand her! She’s almost 25 and yet, she’s still so immature! Why can’t she just grow up?! I’m not keeping my hopes up that she ever will.

Anyway, I went shopping after that so I kinda forgot the incident already. That is, until Manang told me what my mom commented about it. I can’t believe she took my sister’s side! Argh! She’s always taking her side! And I believe that it’s the reason my sister is as she is right now. No matter what she says or does, my mom would always end up giving in to whatever my sister asks for. I know my mom is just doing her responsibility being a “good mother”. But sometimes, enough is enough!

I really don’t want to hate my mom for whatever reason. But every time something like this happens, all the past hurts comes back to me. And I always end up hurting more than I should have.

I’m not a perfect daughter. I know that. I never said I am. And I never expected my mom to be perfect either. I know she loves me. I can see it even if I never heard the words “I love you” come out from her mouth. My parents are not exactly wordy or showy with their feelings, so I understand that. But I still wish that someday, I could hear those words from them.

Perhaps when that time comes, all the pain I am going through over and over again would be instantly removed and forgotten. I don’t know. But for now, I just wish the pain would melt away.